the journey of abandonment

When you hear the word “abandonment” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? 

For me right now, I think of the word “surrender”.

I’m stepping into a season of abandonment. When I said “yes” to the World Race I didn’t view my choice of packing up my belongings into a backpack and leaving the States as an act of abandonment. This is because the World Race has been on my heart for so long so, my decision to go didn’t feel sacrificial. It didn’t feel like a form of abandonment – I thought I didn’t have anything new to surrender to God because this is exactly where I want to be.

Well NEWS FLASH…I was wrong. 

I’m currently traveling with a 65L backpack that is tightly filled from top to bottom. My thought was “if it fits… bring it”! This was working just fine until the second week of training camp when I woke up with the feeling that I needed to remove some things out of my pack. I sort of ignored the idea until I later heard the word “abandonment”. And it clicked! God is inviting me into abandonment… 

*before I emptied out 1/2 my pack*

I wasn’t sure what exactly this meant and I still don’t. Before I flew out, I made the decision to step into abandonment by letting go of about half the items in my pack. Most of what I let go was clothing items. I invited a few of my teammates into this. My thought when I first started unpacking was that if I cut down on the weight then I’d have achieved “abandonment”. However, when I finished I still felt the weight of what still needed to be unpacked and surrendered. 

I felt as though God was telling me that there was more for me to abandon. 

The thoughts of ditching my phone or deleting social media ran through my head. Another thought of leaving behind my tent and my sleeping bag also went through my mind. I was going through a list of tangible items and nothing seemed to be sufficient. 

So, I decided to go on a walk with God. I found myself along a creek resting against a tree. When I initially went on my walk I had the intention of returning to my squadmates with an answer from God about what it is that He wants me to abandon. I didn’t get the answer to this. 

Perhaps, God is inviting me to not only abandon the tangibles but also to do some unpacking in my heart and surrender some things over to Him. I’m still not sure what this is all about. My squadmates have been giving me words from God about “letting go”. 

After I reduced my pack by about half, I was telling my friend that I was frustrated that it didn’t seem to look any different from the outside. She responded with, “It’s not about being able to see the difference – it’s about feeling lighter.” 

For some reason that stuck with me. I’m currently still learning what it is the Lord wants me to surrender to Him. It’d be nice if I could just flip a switch and feel “surrendered”, but I’m confident that He has me on a journey of abandonment and He will meet me in our unique way.